Magically Delicious by Robyn Peterman

Author:Robyn Peterman [Peterman, Robyn]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Robyn Peterman
Published: 2016-11-14T23:00:00+00:00

Chapter Eleven

“I don’t want to, but I should summon Baba Yaga,” I said, pacing my kitchen in agitation. “Marge knows Carol and Carol knows why Marge was banished… Maybe. However, if Baba Yoyohead gets involved, this clusterhump could morph into a clusterfuck.”

The morning had dawned bright, sunny and cold. There was a wonderful crispness in the air, but there was far less magic present—not good. My three fat cats, Mac, and my father sat at our kitchen table and listened to me ramble. No one on patrol had found any evidence of honey badgers, vamps, or lurking fucking evil. However, they all found that the magic in the area was waning dangerously.

The problem had to stem from Marge the Cookie Witch. I couldn’t quite figure out how, but it had to. At this point I prayed to the Goddess it did, otherwise we had no leads whatsoever.

“Could she be glamouring herself to appear old?” I asked my dad.

“Could be,” he surmised with a nod, but an expression of doubt. “But the Marge I remember was seriously vain and wouldn’t be caught dead with a hair out of place.”

“Don’t make no sense,” Fat Bastard said, coming up for air while taking a respite from grooming his jewels. “You says you had your magic in the hairy snatch?”

“Berry patch,” I corrected him with a wince of disgust.

“S’what I said,” he went on. “The Nookie Snitch had her power too?”

“Cookie Witch,” I corrected him again.

“Yeah, whatever,” he dismissed me with an eye roll and crotch grab. “So as I was sayin’ the Rookie Bitch… she has her magic?”

“Yes,” I replied, trying my damnedest to overlook his hearing problem without throwing something at him or knocking his furry noggin into the wall.

“I believe the Bastard might need a hearing aid,” Fabio said, narrowing his eyes at my cat.

“Nah,” Fat Bastard explained with an evil little kitty laugh. “I just like to fark with Zelda. Good times.”

“Lovely,” I muttered as I picked up an entire head of lettuce and bit into it like it was an apple. Not the tastiest breakfast, but it was the closest thing edible.

“Point being,” Fat Bastard went on. “Magic still works there, but no wheres else.”

“What do you mean no where else?” I demanded through a mouth full of salad greens.

“Word’s out that magic around the world has gone on the fritz,” Fabio said. “It’s not just here in Assjacket.”

“Does it bother anyone that the name of the town isn’t actually Assjacket?” Mac asked, pressing his fingers to the bridge of his nose.

“No,” we all replied at once.

“Alrighty then,” he said and handed me a bowl of fruit to go with the tasteless leaves in my mouth.

“So if Cookie Witch’s magic works, she must be doing something to keep the area up,” I said, thinking out loud. “Maybe she’s pulling on all the magic around the world so she has the best berries ever.”

“Lame,” Jango Fett grunted not even glancing up from his nut cleansing.

“I know,” I snapped. “I’m just yanking stuff out of my ass at this point.

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